A Path to Healing, Balance, and Belonging
In the practice of Family Constellations, the idea of “taking the right place” is both simple and profound. Coined by German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger, this concept speaks to our need to stand in our rightful position within the family system—honoring the Orders of Love that govern the flow of life through generations.
But what does it really mean to take your “right place”? And what happens when we don’t?
The Right Place: A Matter of Order and Belonging
Every family has an unconscious structure—a hidden constellation—that affects the flow of love, responsibility, and energy. According to Hellinger, there is an invisible order that guides this flow:
- Elders come before the young.
- Parents are responsible for their children, not the other way around.
- Each sibling has a place according to their birth order.
- No one can be excluded, replaced, or forgotten without consequences.
When we respect these Love Orders, harmony is restored. When we violate them—often unconsciously—conflict, confusion, and emotional burdens arise.
What Happens When We Don’t Take Our Place?
1. Parentified Children
Example: A child emotionally supports a mother after divorce, becoming her “surrogate partner.”
Consequence: As an adult, the person may struggle with intimacy or feel overly responsible in relationships.
Healing Step: Return the emotional responsibility to the parent.
Healing Phrase:
“Mom/Dad, you are the great ones, and I am your child. Today I leave with you what belongs to you.”
Consequence: As an adult, the person may struggle with intimacy or feel overly responsible in relationships.
Healing Step: Return the emotional responsibility to the parent.
Healing Phrase:
“Mom/Dad, you are the great ones, and I am your child. Today I leave with you what belongs to you.”
2. Siblings in the Wrong Order
Example: A younger sibling assumes the role of leader because the eldest is absent or excluded.
Consequence: This child may feel overwhelmed, confused, or lost.
Healing Step: Restore birth order and hierarchy among siblings.
Healing Phrase:
“I am the younger brother/sister, and I take my place behind those who came before me.”
Consequence: This child may feel overwhelmed, confused, or lost.
Healing Step: Restore birth order and hierarchy among siblings.
Healing Phrase:
“I am the younger brother/sister, and I take my place behind those who came before me.”
3. Children Who Carry Their Parents’ Fate
Example: An adult feels compelled to stay close to aging parents, even at the cost of their independence.
Consequence: They may block career growth or sabotage romantic relationships.
Healing Step: Trust the parents to live their own destiny.
Healing Phrase:
“Dear Parents, I honor you and trust that you can with your destiny. I live my life with gratitude.”
Consequence: They may block career growth or sabotage romantic relationships.
Healing Step: Trust the parents to live their own destiny.
Healing Phrase:
“Dear Parents, I honor you and trust that you can with your destiny. I live my life with gratitude.”
4. Unbalanced Couples
Example: A woman treats her husband like a son, overprotecting or correcting him.
Consequence: The man may withdraw or become emotionally dependent, eroding intimacy.
Healing Step: Relate as equal adults, not as caregiver and child.
Healing Phrase:
“You are my partner, not my son. Today I see you as my equal.”
Consequence: The man may withdraw or become emotionally dependent, eroding intimacy.
Healing Step: Relate as equal adults, not as caregiver and child.
Healing Phrase:
“You are my partner, not my son. Today I see you as my equal.”
How Do We Take Our Rightful Place?
- Acknowledge the Natural Order
Parents are the big ones; children are the small ones. Each generation has its role. - Honor Sibling Hierarchy
Respect the birth order and make space for all siblings, even those lost or unspoken. - Release the Need to Carry Others’ Burdens
It is not our job to fix or redeem our parents or siblings. - Accept Our Role with Humility
Taking the right place means not trying to be more (or less) than we are. - Honor the Past Without Wanting to Rewrite It
Healing begins with full acknowledgment of what was.
The Impact of Taking the Right Place
✔ A deep sense of inner peace and grounding
✔ Healthier, more respectful family and partner dynamics
✔ Clearer boundaries and better decision-making
✔ A lighter life, free of burdens that are not yours to carry
✔ Healthier, more respectful family and partner dynamics
✔ Clearer boundaries and better decision-making
✔ A lighter life, free of burdens that are not yours to carry
When we step into the right place in our family system, we stop living someone else's story and begin to live our own. We honor those who came before without becoming entangled in their pain. We open the door to healing—not just for ourselves, but for future generations.
Your place is sacred. And when you stand in it fully, the entire system begins to heal.
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