There are two pathways possible when entering the realms of erotic arousal.
Broadly, the main pathway indulged and promoted by most of the world is what I would call sympathetic arousal.
You know it.
Hot, lustful kissing turning into clothes-ripping, hard thrusting, full friction, bed-shaking, and collapsing in a sweaty mess.
It always amazes me how in movies and shows, characters go from that first kiss to ripping each other’s clothes off, knocking something off a table, or slamming against a wall in about 15 seconds.
Granted, it’s hot.
It causes that little stir inside, a pelvic rock of pleasure and anticipation.
But here’s the thing about this sympathetic pathway of lovemaking:
It requires intensity.
High levels of excitation are needed to generate the blood flow necessary for full engorgement and moistening. Hence the clothes-ripping, grabbing, and thrusting nature of it.
This is also why addiction to the seeming delights of the adult entertainment industry is such a widespread problem for many men (and women too). Because like any thrill-seeker… you always need more.
More intensity. More excitement. More heat.
It’s why lovemaking can be so passionate at the beginning of a relationship and then diminish over time.
Because it’s hard to continue generating an ever-increasing supply of intensity, especially when you throw kids, jobs, financial stress, familiarity, and all the other normal aspects of life into the mix.
The Other Pathway: Parasympathetic Arousal
The other pathway, parasympathetic arousal, is fuelled by an entirely different kind of energy.
Safety.
This is the kind of arousal that occurs when you feel so safe, so secure, so stable that your heart opens, your body relaxes, and you can simply be yourself – in all your beauty and uniqueness.
Arousal from this place is effortless.
It doesn’t require intensity, excitement, or friction.
This is the kind of arousal that awakens when your partner smiles at you with loving eyes and you know they are truly there for you. When you feel safe and don’t have to do anything special to be wanted and loved.
And then… so naturally, so easily… your body is turned on.
Safety as the Ultimate Turn-On
I’ve found that the more safety I develop – both within myself and within my relationship – the easier it is to access my arousal.
There is no striving. No effort. No need to create special conditions.
This isn’t “let’s light candles, stare into each other’s eyes for an inordinate amount of time with the requisite ambient music in the background for long full-body massages before special tantric lovemaking.”
I mean sure, that’s nice, and I’m all for it sometimes when there is time.
Yet this is much simpler.
It’s simply a body that responds to safety as the biggest turn-on.
Rewiring the Erotic Nature of Our Nervous System
We can entirely rewire the erotic nature of our nervous system.
We can create lovemaking that doesn’t rely on constant novelty, friction, or performance – but rather emerges from deep relaxation, connection, and truth.
In my opinion, it’s worth it.
More lovemaking.
More safety.
More love.
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